Clarity

Carson Spratt stands gaping with his mouth open.

I stared and the golden sun
Made the world thin for me, and somehow
All was more glorious,
As if backlit by indescribable happiness
Filtering through a black veil that is rent in parts
Where we peep through at mysteries
 Too old for us children.
The grass was not grass,
But a prism that broke up holiness
Into colours for my weakened mortal eyes.
The wind was the breath of peace
Stirring over a watchful land.
The mountain stood unshakeable
A solid psalm to God’s eternality.
And I, myself, a tiny character
Of Act Two in the play
On the stage of this earth.
I’ve forgotten my lines
In awe at my sudden eagle sight.
But now I remember them:
“Thank You. And Amen.”

Posted at 12:13 am EST on the 20th of January 2010 by Carson Spratt.

Under Poetry as

There are 8 replies.
 
  1. V. K. Blake says on January 20th, 2010 at 12:29 am

    Do you know, this reminds me of The Great Divorce for some reason. ^_^

  2. Lucie says on January 20th, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Lucie stands gaping with her mouth open at the poem.

    Then she remembers to say, “That’s brilliant, Carson”.

  3. P. James McCord says on January 20th, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Nice Carson. A lot to like here, particularly your conclusion in lines 15 – 21. “Thank You, and Amen” truly is the response in order.

    I think your punctuation was mildly confusing in a few places. Lines 4 – 7 seem to be missing a break somewhere — perhaps a comma or dash between 4 and 5? Also, in line 15, the “I, myself, a tiny character” might be made less choppy by removing the first comma.

    Further suggestions: more vivid word choice will greatly improve the overall effect of this poem. The point (if I understand it correctly) is that you are describing to us the things that you saw in this experience of clarity. Yet one of your first descriptive words is “indescribable”. I understand the point of that choice, yet I don’t know if it’s a good idea so early on, and in such a short poem. Word choice that is more reflective of the brightness of the sun, the solidarity of the mountain, etc. might help. Some of your statements seem weak for lack of punchy word choice: see lines 4, 11, and 19. Also, consider your verbs closely: “stared”, line 1; “made”, line 2; “broke up”, line 9; “was”, line 11 — all might be improved. And of course, in short poetry, alliteration can help hugely — it will make your lines much more mellifluous.

    Just some thoughts for you. Again, nice work.

  4. H. G. Roorda says on January 20th, 2010 at 11:43 am

    I’m not a huge fan of words and phrases like “somehow” and “as if” in poems. I think it’s better when you switch to metaphors– it makes it feel more real, and less like you think it was that way but it really was just a sunny day.

    But, that said, you have that enviable gift for lines that stick with the reader– “A solid psalm to God’s eternality… I’ve forgotten my lines.” So, thanks for that! They’re excellent.

  5. E. M. Ten-Hove says on January 20th, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Very nice–I agree with Hannah that the ending is very appropriate. You have a very nice instinct for powerful images; I particularly like the veil and the prism

    There are certainly a few places where reading aloud would help you to smooth out your lines and strengthen your impact on the reader. (You will come to know that reading aloud is my panacea for all writing woes, be they grammatical, stylistic, or otherwise.)

  6. John R. Ahern says on January 20th, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    I’m going to disagree with Lizzy and James here. I hate judgment words, generally (except in Hopkins, who somehow pulls them off), but “indescribable” worked, I think. Largely because it’s in the context of “backlit”, which turns the adjective into an image. You can’t, literally, backlight something with happiness, especially indescribable happiness. Which oddly supports the entire idea…it is, after all, indescribable. The image still comes through, though. (I also like the connotations of the stage in the word “backlit”. Fit in with Act Two stuff later on. Carson in the theater of God, eh?)

    And I like the ruggedness in the lines. The only thing I’d complain about is “eternality”. Was there any reason to choose that above “eternity”? Maybe this is just Strunk and White getting the better of me (for once), but “eternality” is distinctly more academic, abstracted, and circuitous. Is there a particular reason for that?

  7. Carson Spratt says on January 21st, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Thanks for the comments, all! Some very good suggestions.

    John – I suppose I chose eternality above eternity because I was trying to make eternity a quality of God, rather than make him possess eternity, if you know what I mean: but, having re-looked up the definitions, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t change it to “eternity”. I probably will.
    Hannah – I’m not entirely sure yet, but I think I might keep the words “somehow” and “as if”. I’m only trying to do my best as a mortal to describe the experience: it’s fleeting, and unusual: and I have to convey that unusualness somehow.
    Lizzy – I’ll certainly read my lines aloud again(it’s my father’s panacea too).
    James – Great comments! I’ll certainly revise the puncuation. I’ll stick to indescribable, for reasons already stated, but the other words you pointed out will be duly scrutinized. I’ll also try the alliteration thing.

    A revised poem will probably pop up on this post in about a week. Thanks, all!

  8. Daniel H. Anderson says on February 6th, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    This sounds vaguely familiar. It’s a definite improvement over your first version I saw on your wall. The idea is still very thought provoking, especially the prism concept (that is my favorite part). I also think that your use of free verse is quite appropriate here. I usually don’t like free verse but this, like the Psalms, seems to some how use the lack of rhyme to convey the indescribable quality of it all. It is very well done in my opinion (as much as it’s worth).