The Exam’s Hour

Surprise! I’m alive, contrary to popular opinion (and presidential edict). This is a parody (?) of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s poem “The Children’s Hour”, available here.

I’m not quite sure how to explain this. Or how it progresses, if it progresses at all. I think the “conclusion” in particular captures a certain layer of illogical thinking common to my brain during Week Mortis. Enjoy, those of ye who are unafflicted by exams.

The Exam’s Hour

Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day’s occupations,
That is known as the Exam’s hour.

I hear in the printer beside me
The rustle of paper sheets,
Heavier than the thousand chains
Fastened round my feet.

On my desk I spread out the papers,
There’s scarce room for them all,
Long essays, and multiple choice
Erected like a wall.

A whisper, and then silence;
All my words and thoughts expelled
All my plotting and planning forgotten
By a yellowed jaundice felled.

The slow and steady ticking
Of the clock out in the hall
Rouses, reminds me of the time
If I have any left at all!

Questions climb into my eyes,
O’er my head and through my hair
If I try to escape, they surround me;
They seem to be everywhere.

Their touch is like to Circe’s kiss,
My thoughtful Pearls turned to swine,
If Socrates would prefer, I’m in
Examined terror entwined.

Did you think, O Withering Melville,
Because five hundred pages you’ve filled
You should escape my punishing pen
Or criticism of your skill?

I have Hawthorne fast in my fortress,
And in the dungeon below
Among the bottles of ancient wine
Resides our illustrious Poe.

All I shall keep forever,
Authors both small and great,
Till this exam shall crumble to ruin
And moulder in dust away!

Posted at 8:42 pm EST on the 14th of January 2009 by L. C. Russell.

Under Poetry, Satire as

There are 8 replies.
 
  1. J. R. Ahern says on January 14th, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Very nice. As close as you stay to the original, you’re never really bound by its topic in an awkward way. Some poor unfortunate sap who doesn’t know Longfellow’s poetry (or hasn’t reviewed it recently, cough, cough) wouldn’t be able to tell you had parodied, which is a good sign. But, enlighten me as to how Socrates relates to “I’m in Examined terror entwined.”

  2. L. C. Russell says on January 14th, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    It’s a play on the “examined” life. In this case, literally.

    Well, if you forget about this poem on the exam NOW, I’ll be mortally offended.

  3. P. B. Hilton says on January 15th, 2009 at 10:48 am

    In all honesty, I think this poem is disjointed and wandering. Overall, I don’t quite get the parody part of it. It doesn’t seem to be sarcastic, and isn’t quite funny. It seems to be the same length as the original, but it changes direction at the end, which is puzzling, although it provides a good resolution. As a poem, it’s middling, but I think your whimsical rhyming is harmful to the overall effect. Especially in the first stanza, where you try to rhyme lower and hour. And is yellowed jaundice really relevant…? However, where you didn’t puzzle the reader outright, and where you rhymed, as in stanzas 3 and 5, the result was excellent.

  4. L. C. Russell says on January 15th, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Well, I can’t take credit for most of the whimsical rhyming–lower and hour, for example, were in the original. Although I would agree that it, uh, doesn’t work quite so well for my version.

    “Special Pathology and Diagnostics with Therapeutic Hints – 1900.

    Jaundice from violent mental emotion, especially anger, vexation, fright, etc, seems likely to be produced by interruptions of the circulation of blood through the liver in consequence of the influence of the nerves controlling the calibre of the brancches of the portal veins, and by interruptions of the heart’s action. ”

    Yes, I know it’s dated over a century ago. That’s from this link, which I submit as an excuse for my inexcusable medical mistake–http://www.tintinologist.org/forums/index.php?action=vthread&forum=8&topic=3002

    The moral here would be not to borrow diagnoses from comic books.

  5. L. M. Corinth says on January 15th, 2009 at 11:20 am

    I LOVE it. Excellent. I can’t analyze it or say exactly what I liked, just now (debate round in an hour), but you made me laugh and I love it. :D

  6. Anonymous says on January 26th, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    To much poetry
    Can’t you spend your time better?
    Please get back to work

  7. E. M. Hansen says on February 6th, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    I especially like the second-to-last stanza. For greater impact, you might exchange the wine for a few rats or a pendulum. &#58&#45&#41 The bit about Circe was also good; although it seems to deviate from your metric scheme, it also effectively shows the speaker’s disorientation.

  8. Rufus says on February 7th, 2009 at 9:27 am

    Awesome! Can I chew up your textbooks?