Composed by Philip Hilton. (So you’ll just have to suffer through it. :P) Per request of Mr. Ahern.

When I was young, there was a girl

Her hair had just a little curl

But mostly she was just plain pretty

And when she wished, then she was witty.

Now, if you are of delicate sort

I warn you, I shall now report

Something which may unhinge your mind

So I sure hope you aren’t that kind.

Because, you see, there was a stranger

And he was not an hon’rable ranger

But oh! he was of dreadful sort

And not an object of light sport.

He was an Ogler – do not faint, I pray!

For in the end he turned to the right way!

One day approached he to our heroine’s door

Ogler disguisèd like a Spanish Moor.

But with no doubt, the nasty dark intention

Of adding pics of her to his collection

Of which desire she did not have knowledge

When she allowed that Ogler in her cottage.

Now mark, my reader, how the story grows

Now swells the plot, and now the action flows!

He saw at once, the nasty Ogler did,

That Miss -*-*-*- was quite a pretty kid;

The Ogler saw, he wished, and he desired!

He saw, he wished, and to the prize aspired!

But our heroine was a spiffy girl

For ’round her neck she wore a holy pearl.

This pearl, of course, was magic, silly,

‘Twas rather smooth, and rather pretty

Shaped like a cross, in fragile fashion,

A snow-white image of the passion.

The Ogler tried his trade, I say,

During a drowsy summer’s day;

But chainèd pearl rousèd her then

She did the Ogler’s purpose ken!

“Oh ho! Mean monster, stand and fight!

I am Amázon; destructíon is my delight!”

Then speaking thus, she ript the pearl

From off her neck, purposing to hurl –

And as she swung, she said a prayer:

“O Queen of Heaven, Mary Fair

Speed this pearl well and let it find

Its proper place on his behind!”

Thus did she speak, and thus Queen Mary heard,

Urg’d on the pearl with some celestial word,

And when that holy pearl touchèd the Ogler

Then he became a nice and gentle Ogre.

So let all bow their heads to Mary Queen

The friend, the sponsor of the female tween!

THE END